Five times
by pamy
Summary: Five times Logan should have apologized to Veronica but didn't. Pure friendship Logan/Veronica. One shot. Logan's POV. Please read and review.


**Just an idea that came to mind. Don't ask me where it came from. **

**Don't own Veronica Mars. **

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**5 Times Logan should've apologized but didn't**

**1.  
**

Lilly is dead.

She is dead and you're still alive. It's all you can think of. It's all that really matters. You're angry. With everybody. At Lilly for dying. At Jake for not saving her. Yourself for being stupid. Keith for accusing Jake. But not Veronica. Never Veronica.

Yet it's her you take it out on.

She's the only one you can get to. The only one you can hurt. You know it's wrong. You know you shouldn't do it. She's your friend. She's Lilly's best friend. But you don't listen to reason. You're girlfriend is dead. And it's all that matters. And then that stupid tapes gets out.

'_That's my girlfriend. Your friend. Duncan's sister. … What's the matter with you people? What's the matter with you?_

You regret it the minute you say it. You crossed a line. You used Lilly's memory against her. You promised yourself you'd never do that. You did nevertheless. You see the pain in her eyes. And you want to take the words back. You just don't know how. It doesn't matter anyway. She turns around and runs away before you have the change to say anything.

She runs away from you!

You who were once her friend. You hurt her. You know you did. And the truth is you're not even that angry. At least not at her. A part of you wants to go after her. A voice inside your head – _that sounds an awful lot like Lilly – _is telling you to. Go after her. Apologize.

You've never apologized in your life.

You're to proud for your own good. And you know. So instead of going after her, you jus stand there. Staring at the spot she stood. You don't know how long you stand there. You don't know if it matters. You don't really care either. You just stand there.

You know you should apologize. You know you should go after her. You never do.

_**You'll regret it for the rest of your life.**_

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**2. **

Lilly would have been 17.

Had she lived. But she didn't. You still have trouble getting used to the idea. Sometimes you still expect her to come trough your door. Of course you know that if Lilly would be alive she'd kill you. For everything you've done to Veronica. You're not even sure how things got so out of hand.

You didn't mean for it to go this far.

But it did. And there is nothing you can do about it. Today is a bad day. It's her birthday. Lilly. You know she's in as much pain as you. If not more. She loved Lilly. They were like sisters. She has the right to cry for Lilly. You know she does. You don't even know how it happened.

You are just in so much pain.

And you don't want to feel that much pain. So instead of feeling it you lash into anger. You take out your pain on other people. You take it out on Veronica. As if she isn't in pain. As if she doesn't miss Lilly. As if she doesn't cry for her. You don't want to think about Veronica's pain. You have enough with your own.

Yet you expect her to feel more.

You don't even know why you say it. You are losing your mind. _'It's not like she ever truly mattered to you. she's not here, you don't have to act anymore.' _That's twice now you've used Lilly's memory. You don't even know why you do. Except that when you take it out on her, you don't have to hurt.

You regret it the second you say it.

But you can't take it back. You see the pain in her eyes. You open your mouth to apologize. But no words come out. This time it's your time to run away. You walk away without turning around. You know you should. You should apologize.

But you don't.

**_

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_**

**3.  
**

She has changed.

You know it the second you see her. She's not that innocent little girl anymore. She has become hard and distant. And you know it's your fault. You crossed a line you promised yourself you'd never cross. The salt lick went to far. You turned her into an object and you know it.

You know you broke her.

You didn't mean to. You didn't want to change that loving girl. That girl that would've always forgiven you. That girl that was your friend. You didn't want to make her disappear. If Lilly would be here, you'd be dead. But Lilly is not here. And that is part of the problem. You throw the first comment at her you can think of.

She answers back.

She looks at you with cold eyes. As if she doesn't really see you. As if she can't recognize you. You don't blame her. Sometimes you don't recognize yourself. But it's not that bothers you the most. She looks at you wit cold eyes. Full of hate.

She hates you.

You know you shouldn't be surprised. After everything you've done to her. After the salt lick you should've expected her to. But you didn't. Because the Veronica you know couldn't hate. Her heart wasn't capable of that. You destroyed that part of her. You'll never forgive yourself for that.

She turns around and walks away from you.

But she's not running away from you. She's not afraid of you anymore. She simply doesn't care anymore. It could be just an act. A way to make it trough the day. Maybe she still cares. It's probably just something you tell yourself.

You should've have followed her.

To apologize. You know you should. You decided you were going to when you woke up Saturday. But you don't. You don't because you're to afraid she won't forgive you. You're to afraid she won't forget. You wouldn't blame her if she did. You're to afraid to follow her. You'll regret that for a long time

**_So you just watch her walk away._**

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**4. **

You overreacted. And you know it.

She knows you love that car. You have to admit, she couldn't have possibly know that would be your dad's punishment. And you also have to admit, that had you're dad not punished you that way, you would have found it pretty funny.

But you did lose your car. So you were angry.

You know you shouldn't have done it. You know you should've waited to calm down. You don't even want to know how you came across. You destroyed her car. You keep taking this vendetta far farther than you ever intended it to go. You just don't know how to go back.

You don't even know if it's possible to go back.

So you just go ahead. You know you should apologize. Offer to pay for her car. That's the right thing to do. Maybe it will soften her. Maybe you can find a way to be friends again. You come to school with the idea of doing just that. You'll get her back. Even if you have to beg.

Then you see them.

Veronica and that new guy. And she smiles. You haven't seen her smile since Lilly died. Not like that. It's not the same smile as before. She'll probably never smile like that again. But it's a smile. She has made a new friend. One that doesn't care what you say.

You've lost her.

You see them sitting there and you know it. You've lost her. You lost her a long time ago, but now you're sure. She'll never forgive you. She doesn't need you. You turn around and walk away from them. It's to late to apologize. To late to go back.

That's not the only reason you walk away.

You're jealous. That smile used to be for you. For you, Lilly and Duncan. And now it's for that other boy. You resent her. For finding a replacement. For not thinking of you. For not thinking of Lilly. You know you're being unfair. You know she'd never dream of replacing Lilly. She'll never do that.

But she is replacing you.

You should have gone back. You should have apologized. But you're jealous.

So you don't.

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**5.**

You stare at the frozen screen.

Lilly smiles down at you. That's how you remember her. That's how she was. You know Celeste hates it, but you don't care. Portraying her any different wouldn't have been fair. It would've been a lie. You know that that is how Lilly was. Duncan's sister. You're girlfriend. Veronica's best friend.

You turn to look for Veronica.

She is standing by the fountain. Slowly you walk to her. You know you should say something. But you can't find the words. You don't know what to say. So you just stand there. Side by side. Remembering the girl you both loved and lost. She takes a picture of the fountain.

She doesn't look at you.

And it hurts you more that you could ever admit. You open your mouth to say something. To apologize for everything you've done to her. The words get lost on there way out of your mouth. Instead of an apology you make a stupid joke about the fountain.

She smiles at you.

For the first time she looks at you. Her eyes aren't so cold anymore. You can't find hate in them. You smile. You want to believe that it's time that has changed everything. That time healed her wounds. But you know it's that guy. Her new friend. You know this is the moment to apologize.

You search for the words. You don't find them.

'_Lilly would've loved the video. Especially since it pissed of Celeste.' _You know this is her way of telling you she loved the video. That it was the right portrayal of Lilly. You try to think of something to say to that. You never find anything. After a while she turns around and walks away.

'_I'm Sorry, Ronnie.'_

It's a little more than a whisper. But you know you've said it out loud. You turn around to see if she heard you. She didn't. You know you should go after her. Make her hear you. But you don't. Instead you turn around and stare at Lilly's name. You keep staring at it until the letters become a blur.

She never heard you. You'll never repeat your apology. You know you should but you don't.

You'll regret it for the rest of your life.


End file.
